December 21, 2023  No Comments

By Trisha Meneely

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This was a hard one for me. I have always been someone who forgives someone else long before I can forgive myself. I think this is extremely hard when you have a child that dies. We are supposed to be their parents able to protect them from anything, and when we can’t we blame ourselves. Learning how to forgive yourself is critical in the healing process. I know that after Ryan passed I was so angry and just breathing hurt. Once the fog lifted I started to ask WHY? Why did this happen, why did Ryan not talk to me, why did I not know? My son and I were very close and yet I had no idea. I started to question if I was a good person if I was a good mother. The one thing about forgiving ourselves is that we are the only ones that can do it. Our loved ones would never want this for us. I know this because I know that I would never want my loved one to feel this way if the situation was reversed. For more than a year I found myself self-sabotaging myself and developing unhealthy habits. I was self-hating and at the same time, I hated what I was doing. I was once asked by my therapist why I was so hard on myself. I didn’t know why I had never dug down to the root of it. I know that I loved Ryan from the minute he was conceived, and I know that in my heart I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. If love could have saved him, he would be here today. Self-forgiveness is something that only we can do for ourselves.

Spending time with myself, I would go for walks or hikes and have time to clear my head, I am a spiritual person so I would talk to God.

. I wrote my son letters, this helped, a lot of tears but it helped.

. I reached out to a therapist who I check in with once a month

. I would tell myself every day Ryan would not want you to feel this way, he loved you.

And lastly, just learn to give yourself the compassion you would give others.

STEPS:

Learning to Forgive Yourself

Forgiving yourself can be one of the most challenging endeavors, especially in the wake of personal tragedy or loss. It’s common to experience overwhelming guilt, self-doubt, and a persistent sense of responsibility. However, self-forgiveness is a crucial aspect of the healing journey.

Acknowledge the Struggle

Allow yourself to acknowledge the difficulty in forgiving yourself. It’s natural to place blame on oneself, particularly in the aftermath of painful events.

Embrace Self-Compassion

Grant yourself the same compassion and understanding that you would readily provide to others in similar circumstances. Recognize that self-forgiveness and self-care are essential components of navigating through grief and healing.

Seek Guidance and Support

Reach out to a trusted therapist or counselor to receive professional guidance and support. Regular sessions can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and work towards self-forgiveness.

Express Your Emotions

Consider writing letters to the loved one you’ve lost as a means of processing and expressing your emotions. It’s okay to experience tears — allowing yourself to feel these emotions is part of the healing process.

Spiritual Connection

If spirituality is meaningful to you, engage in activities that foster spiritual connection. Whether through prayer, meditation, or nature walks, find moments of solace and reflection.

Honoring Your Loved One

Remind yourself daily that your loved one would not want you to carry the burden of self-blame and guilt. Embrace the love and memories shared, and acknowledge that self-forgiveness is a profound tribute to their legacy.

The journey towards self-forgiveness is an individual one and can take time. Be patient and kind to yourself throughout this process and remember that healing is possible.